Something wicked this way comes!

I'm just going to ramble . . .

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:35:11 GMT

I made it through the weekend . . . the enjoyable part was dinner and wine with theemmer and her sister - it's always interesting for us to get together because you never know what direction the conversation will take. This year's topics included the cuteness of the Star Trek cast, our experiences with fanfiction and of course, the exchange of gifts, for which I was a total flake - I fully admitted that all I was doing was feeding their respective addictions. *sighs*

The gathering of Dad's side of the family (all 8 people) was doable if only for the fact that my little niece was the show-stealer. Really, for someone who is hesitant around people in general, she did very well in a room full of virtual strangers (except for her Dad, Grandpa and myself). Next weekend was supposed to be my mother's side, but that's been canceled at this point - might be rescheduled for January or February, but doesn't matter to me . . . my tolerance is thin for either side of the family, but moreso for them.

Not too thrilled with my car at the moment . . . after loading up my bags in the front passenger seat, I slipped and in my reach to grab anything in my effort to fall, I hit the button for the window . . . it went down . . . all the way down . . . and it won't go back up. Have I mentioned it's cold out here? Now imagine that cold when you're driving down the freeway. I was half frozen just driving to my brother's place this morning. It's something to do with the electronic controls, which isn't Dad's area of expertise, but I just want the damn window up. I so rarely have passengers anyway, I really don't care if it's used again.

The holidays are at the end of this week . . . and I have no clue what's going on. I probably won't find out until last minute, but I am so ready to be done with all of it . . . there's so much going on around me - so many "bits & pieces" that just don't quite add up to the whole picture, but they're close - that part of me does want to crawl into a cave and not come out, but I can't do that - I'm better than that.

So . . . I'll stop here and go enjoy the rest of the afternoon with my 10-month-old niece who is slowly learning that Aunt K does have rules, like the bottle of milk stays in the living room with the toys and electrical cords are not toys . . . . but she's still a cutie! :)

Snow

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:38:30 GMT

Yep . . . it's snowing out . . . big, heavy, white flakes of it . . . and I'm not in Minnesota at the moment, either, but they're getting snow, too.

I will admit, it is the time of year for it . . . and I really shouldn't complain - I've managed to deal with it for all of my lifetime . . . but it does make me wish for a home in a warmer location.

*goes off to curl under a nice blanket and sleep*

Wish List 2009

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 04:11:24 GMT

All right . . . it took me a lot longer than I thought to get this done, but it's finally done.

What You Do:
FIRST: Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a________ icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

-- If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

THEN:
-- Surf around your friendslist (or friends’ friends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

-- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy.

Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

These are in no particular order of preference – merely the order my mind created amongst its chaotic self. You’ll notice that there’s a few ideas in each – I don’t expect you to do everything mentioned, but even one piece is better than nothing. Comment or PM me if you need any clarification – I don’t purposely mean to be difficult or vague, but I really am someone with a wide variety of tastes.

--Words are highly valuable to me, be they written or spoken, verbal or visual. Recommend your favorite book to me. Recommend some good fanfic to read. Recommend a movie for my Netflix list. Recommend a good show to watch (online, though, like through hulu.com or someplace similar – I’m without TV at the moment.). I just ask that you be able to tell me something about it, like why you like it or why it appeals to you – a couple of sentences or so. (Something more than “it’s awesome!!” is what I’m after.) It doesn’t need to be something I’m already interested in – my tastes vary far more widely than my profile would lead you to believe.

--Music is always welcomed – I’ve been on a streak of country as of late, but it’s possible to find anything and everything in my iTunes. Disney’s “Hakuna Matata” from the Lion King movie? Got it. Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody? Yep. The Beach Boys singing “Little Saint Nick?” Have that, too. Fanmixes are good – I’ve liked the few of those I’ve found over the years. Send a mixed CD of songs that are around a “theme” of some kind, like your favorite songs, or songs that always make you smile or whatever.

--Positivity. Be it prayers, thoughts, words or actions, just be positive and share that with others, including me. This is something I’m struggling to do myself as life has not been kind to myself or others I know as of late. It’s hard to “look on the bright side” when all you see is a dark tunnel with no end in sight. I will fully admit that there still are plenty of days where I wish to hurt the next person that utters “I’m sorry to hear that” or similar sentiment – I’d rather hear a positive comment than receive sympathy.

--Icons. Yes, I have some, but I’m always looking for more – I’d love one of an old Hanna-Barbara cartoon character that was a blue (I think?) dog by the name of Auggie (sp?) Doggie. Garfield, Snoopy, Muppets (particularly Animal) and Warner Bros cartoon characters (Bugs Bunny, Tazmanian Devil, etc.) are also favorites, as are fandom-ish ones, wolves and moons/stars (no suns, just moons and stars). I don’t have much icon space, but I do rotate the collection around.

--Connecting with someone who can give me a crash course in business marketing. I need this most desperately, as I am not a marketing person but am quickly finding out I have to be. Just . . ugh. I have a bachelor’s degree . . . just not in marketing or anything business-related.

--And yes . . . I’ve done an Amazon Wish List, too . . . but I had a hard time figuring out what to put on there. I hate shopping. I hate trying to decide on something, especially since my focus is on pure survival, not on what DVDs or books or other physical “stuff” I want. I just finished downsizing everything into boxes and shoving those into storage, essentially keeping out only what I can move myself in my car. (And yes, gift cards are on there, too.)

My biggest wish remains the same from last year: to move. I love my family and all the connections I have to the home, city and state I’ve grown up in and always returned to, but it’s time to go elsewhere, to establish my own place permanently. I’ve lived on my own and I’ve shared places with roommates over the years, but as circumstances changed, I kept coming back to the family home. This year, that family home no longer became a place to call home, forcing the issue even more. I’ve been looking at the NW suburbs of Chicago – specifically around the Lake Zurich area, but finding a place and an arrangement that I can work with has been quite difficult. I will move sooner rather than later, but when and where is a work in progress. Still, there is my dream.

I will wish all of you the best for the holiday season and the coming year.

And Now . . . the day after

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 03:41:37 GMT

Thanksgiving dinner went by without mishap. Brother C ended up cooking a whole turkey and did a nice job of it, especially for it being his first time. A couple mishaps - very crispy bread rolls and of course, too much leftovers - but still, a good meal. My little niece is turning into quite the eater - the only food she's refused thus far is peas (which clearly comes from her father, as he detests those as well).

Afterwards, it was a lazy few hours. I shared the scrapbook of Mom, something of an ongoing "work in progress" since she died. Eventually, I'll get it to the point I can declare it "done," get the pages electronically scanned and have an electronic book to share with people. I'll still keep the physical book, but this way, people can have their own copy.

Managed to fall asleep for a few hours - I fully blame the turkey lethargy, not to mention that the meal I ate was absolutely huge compared to what I usually do - but was back up to start the rounds of shopping at 10pm, beginning with an outlet mall that was absolutely jammed when we arrived in the area at 11pm. The mall's lot was already full and people were being directed to a school parking lot, then being sent via school bus to the mall. It worked. Overall, by the time 7am rolled around, I was exhausted, but satisfied that my little niece would be cutely dressed and playing with Duplo blocks (the younger kids' Legos) come Christmas time.

Crashed for a couple more hours, then hit the Mall of America. It's a mall and was busy with everyone as expected. Didn't have that much difficulty parking or walking around, though the kids with inattentive parents did make it a challenge to navigate around. Took care of a few more kids' presents, so that much is done on my list.

Met up with theemmer and her sister for a quick drink - always nice to get together. We'll have more time to spend at Christmas, so this little "quickie" was just that - quick.

So, now, I'm utterly exhausted, not sure what's going on for the rest of the weekend, as I feel off-kilter (and even a little lost) because of the holiday weekend. Yes, there are plenty of things to do - I'm staring at a number of things just within my sight as I write this . . . but the priority of what to tackle isn't quite clear.

Instead, I'll just throw a movie in, curl up under my layers of blankets and just fall asleep.

Twas the night before . . .

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:40:08 GMT

Well, I'm as ready as I can be for the Thanksgiving holiday.

I've double-checked and made sure I have everything for the dishes I'm making tomorrow. Brother C and his fiance are taking care of the turkey. I volunteered to cook everything else - mashed potatoes (with real potatoes, of course), gravy, scalloped corn, green bean hot dish, rolls, jellied cranberries and "mini pies" for dessert.

None of the relatives - on either side of the family - have bothered to call me to inquire about Thanksgiving. Not surprising on my dad's side - I can't remember the last time I did Thanksgiving with them. Mom's side . . . well, the aunt that normally holds it didn't hold one last year because they went to her husband's family, so it's not exactly surprising, but it bugs me that there was no call this year - at least we got a phone call in advance telling us to make other plans.

Dad had his own plans, so if it wasn't for Brother C . . . then I'd be alone. Not sure how I feel about that.

I'm trying to put together an amazon.com wishlist - heard and seen so much about them, thought I'd give it a try, even though there's so few people in my life who will be looking at it. Navigating around the site and shopping is reminding me just how much I hate shopping.

And yet, I will be participating in the torture. Brother C's fiance has asked me to join her in shopping at midnight. I don't mind going out and looking at things, seeing what's out there, but the actual purchasing is what I struggle with, especially for gifts for others. Granted, my shopping list has grown shorter and shorter over the years, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier.

(And I do hold onto the dream of getting all of my shopping done in one day . . . but the likelihood is not that great.)

*sighs* . . . on to the holidays.

Another Sunday night . . .

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 04:29:06 GMT

. . . . and yet again, time has continued to slip away from me.

Thanksgiving is this week . . . the start of the holiday season. I volunteered to cook the Thanskgiving dinner for my brother's family (himself, fiance, step child and my niece) and myself - Dad's going off to be with a few others, which is fine, but he's at least offerring up a turkey to cook.

My brother's fiance and I (and a few co-workers/friends of hers) are joining in the day-after shopping - literally, the day after. One of the outlet malls opens at midnight and that's where we're starting. I do have the lofty goal of finishing shopping in one day, especially since my list is so short - we'll see if that actually happens.

The week may be short, but my list of things to do continues to grow . . . I need to do my LJ wishlist, as well as an actual wishlist for the family by Thanksgiving . . . I still have thoughts about finishing a couple of quilts that are overdue, even though everything (including the sewing machine) is in boxes and means I'll have to unpack to work and repack when I'm done . . . and that's just a few items on my list.

Well . . . here's hoping for a quiet week.

Spreading some smiles . . .

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:37:11 GMT

Ah, yes . . . that time of year has rolled around . . . I will post my wishlist by this time next week, but I post this banner now to encourage everyone to take a look - even if you don't post a list for yourself, perhaps you can help someone else.

The end

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:27:32 GMT

It's gone. Done. The end. The only thing that's keeping me from a complete mental/emotional breakdown is that I'm at a public place as I write this. (It's not stopping an occassional tear from escaping - that can't be helped, as I don't have that much control.)

I turned over the house keys today. The family home. The only place I have ever thought of as home. The one building I lived in from birth through college (and beyond as well).

This was a long time in coming - over a year. Even so, it's hard to say goodbye to such a big piece. Yes, I know it would've eventually happened anyway, be it I moved out of state (which I'm still working on), got married (which is not even remotely close to happening) or some other natural occurance of life. Yes, I've lived elsewhere - Rochester and Pipestone come to mind - but that house has always been there, always been the "emergency backup" (and it's been used as that a time or two). Now, I have no backup, no safety net and that absolutely petrifies me.

My "life" is sitting in storage at Dad's place. All 20 or so boxes. *shudders* "My life in boxes" - that thought repeatedly runs through my head.

Yes, Dad, you can say it's time to move on, that it's time for me to make my own memories in a new place. Doesn't change that it still hurts to turn over the keys and that yes, I am going to cry about it. Enough.

All I want to do is crawl into a nice, dark cave, have the breakdown that's long overdue and just not come out.

Since they were asked . . .

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:54:38 GMT

Just for maraudersaffair . . . to answer your five questions about me . . .

1. Do you miss teaching?

Gods, yes . . . I do! I miss the actual teaching - being in the classroom, working with students, seeing them make progress. I miss the co-workers I had, being able to work together and just survive whatever was thrown at us. As much as I do enjoy the work I'm now doing, a part of me will always be a teacher.

I don't miss being told that I'm doing a good job, but that I won't be hired back for the next year. That hurt. Really hurt.

2. Why do you switch screen names all the times? JW

Different screen names have different purposes and there are different people/contacts associated with each. I don't need those who know me as their "virtual assistant" or "document editor" for their business to know about my personal/private life. It's also a way for me to keeps things organized - everything related to my LJ and writing goes to one email address, family members/relatives have a different email address, etc.

3. What is your favorite childhood memory with your father?

Ugh . . . there's many and I hate picking just one . . . the first one that comes to mind is always going to the Minnesota North Stars at the Met Center. It was always just him and I. Couple bags of peanuts in our pockets. Always going to the same concession stand for our large sodas (and nachos occassionally). Having my learner's permit and him allowing me to drive home, including through the parking lot traffic, after one of the games. The Minnesota North Stars are now the Dallas Stars and the Met Center was reduced to a parking lot (part of which now features IKEA, the rest being overflow and oversize/camper/RV parking for the Mall of America).

Other memories include getting up early to go with him in the banana-yellow scrap truck to the junkyard to offload the scrap metal - I was probably 6 or 7 at the time, so it was a big deal to sit in the cab and watch the big electro-magnet "suck up" the metal. Afterwards, we'd go into the office to finish the deal and the owner always gave me a Toostie Pop and one to my dad to bring home to my brother. We went for bike rides around town for quite a few summers. He taught me how to drive - I'm still trying to break some habits I learned from him.

4. Do you still go to Einstein's Bagles a lot?

No, the only ones that are still in town are on the opposite end from me, at least 45 minutes away. If I'm over there, I might stop in. I tend to frequent Caribou Coffee, Panera Bread and Bruegger's Bagels instead. The biggest common denominator: free wifi. (Free refills also helps (but not at Caribou - just Panera and Bruegger's.)

5. Why do you like wolves, again? (I think you told me once, but now I can't remember.)

Wolves just have always caught my interest. I can't quite identify one thing in particular that makes them my favorite . . . they just are. They're beautiful to see, but underneath that beauty is still a fierce and deadly animal.

Anyone else have 5 questions for me?

One Step Closer

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:32:54 GMT

That's the theme of the day . . . one step closer to turning over the keys and truly saying goodbye to the house. The only house I've ever truly called home.

I spent the morning finishing the hauling of boxes to Dad's place for storage. My life is officially in boxes - many boxes - and I have pictures to prove it. (I will apologize in advance for the poor quality - it's me and the camera on my phone, which I rarely use.)

This is mostly the true "storage" collection - the boxes of memories and stuff that will eventually end up appropriately displayed in scrapbooks (if I ever get around to it) and picture frames. It's also the "paperwork collection," as in the files of papers that I need to hold on for a while yet - believe it or not, I did get rid of one box. One of those file boxes does contain pieces of personal writing that goes back to junior high - no, I will NOT be pulling those out anytime soon. (I really do not want to relive that period of life.)

AND THERE'S MORE!!! . . . .

This collection is the fabric and sewing supplies collection - all but 2 or 3 boxes are sewing-related. (Ignore the bags and miscellaneous "stuff" on the sides/foreground - that's not mine. That's Dad's "stuff" he inherited from his mother by taking over the house - the woman was a packrat in the worst possible sense of the word.) The only potential good thing is this pile has the potential to decrease - there's at least 3 quilts and who knows how many other miscellaneous projects that are all in various stages of composition in this stack. . . if I can get back to sewing. I'm proud to say that they're all accurately and adequately labeled, too!! (not that I expect the masking tape to actually stay on the boxes, but hey, I made the attempt!)

My life is in storage. Part of me just wants to find a nice, dark hole to crawl into and not come out of it. As much as I can rationalize and understand everything that's going on with the house, it's still hard for me - it still makes me emotional. Forgetting about the furniture upstairs (my bed and a desk), I still don't know "what" to think about the fact that i could literally throw my clothes and other essentials in the car and just move. *shudders* Part of me says "that's all I have! (insert the incredulity)" as if I should have more to my name and part of me simply nods and is satisfied because I don't have a lot of "extra stuff."

All that's left to pack up is the kitchen stuff - silverware, dishes, etc. - which really isn't that much. Maybe 2 boxes, just because of the weight. And those are going over into storage on the "just in case" plan. No one else (i.e. Dad or Aunt J) need them and I "might," depending on what happens in the future . . . figure it's just better to box it up just in case and donate it later if its not needed. After that, I think one more run through the house for any miscellaneous pieces and I'll be done.

I really don't know what to think now.

And so it goes . . .

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:40:04 GMT

Piece by piece, the house is leaving.

I'd estimate that I'm roughly 80% moved out - I'm now down to the bits and pieces. Like the piles of blankets and bedding that was on my bed. The silverware, dishes and the kitchen items, which I really should pack up a box on the "just in case" philosophy. Every time I wander around, I find something else that needs to come with.

There's another dozen plastic boxes to be hauled over for storage at Dad's place - I think those are the last ones. My bed and the one desk that I like moved over there yesterday. I haven't ventured into the room where they're at. Still not sure what to think about seeing what is, for all intents and purposes, my life in boxes.

The cable/internet is gone. That was switched over to Dad's place this morning - and that was a process. I made him deal with the cable company as far as the "financial end" of things, but I still ended up dealing with them (though it really was very nice and polite) for an hour just to get the internet back up and running on the computer. (I'm not quite ready to unleash that level of technology on Dad, though I was sorely tempted to make him figure out what plug went where on the tower unit, provided I supervised - I ended up deciding against it, since he was in a grease-covered uniform at the time.) Somehow, in the process, they lost all the important data between their computer and our modem. I've got my fingers crossed that Dad won't have any immediate computer issues and that he'll get back into the use of it. I jokingly told him that he can once again go to the chat rooms and play poker while in his ubitquitious underwear and bathrobe. Wasn't quite prepared for his response of "if I wear that much." Ugh, Dad, really did not need that mental picture. (And yes, theemmer, it's still *that* bathrobe.)

The new place I'm at . . . well, let's just basically say that I DO NOT have TV. I didn't move a TV over with me because both of the ones that I had were over a decade old (one I suspect could be close to 2 decades because it "only gets 47 channels") and while they worked with cable, they'd need a converter box to work with the new HD signals and I just didn't think that was worth it. The new place I'm at only has the over-the-air channels (i.e. let's just simplify it to say 5 channels that I remember growing up as a child), but not all of those come in consistently . . . and considering the daytime programming is a majority of what I DON'T like (talk shows, soaps) - I'm already annoyed with the various "courtroom drama" shows - just, ugh. So, basically, I decided not to bother with getting a new TV while I'm here. (And mental note: you can pretty much guarantee an answer of "no" to any question that starts "did you see (insert TV show) on (whatever day)?). Not having TV will be a struggle for me - I'm already anticipating heavy use of my iTunes as well as judicious use of Netflix's "Watch Instantly" feature, just to have some background noise. Silence may be golden, but there's only so much of it I can stand.

I don't even want to think about the holidays that are quickly approaching. I've already been asked to join in the Black Friday shopping.

Ah, Saturday night . . .

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:02:14 GMT

Oh, how lovely it is . . . *ignores the coughing*

I'll throw in a stupid movie . . . *eyes her choices - Muppets in Space or Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie*

I'll down some Nyquil . . . *shudders at the offending taste*

I'll finish my baked potato . . . *wishes there was cheese on it*

I'll attempt some writing . . . keyword: attempt.

Yep, that's a lovely Saturday night.

Like everyone else . . .

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:36:54 GMT

. . . I'm declaring myself on the side of "not feeling well."

Ugh.

I really do not need to be sick now.

I have too much going on . . . all of which is just going to multiply while my brain slowly turns to mush.

I will admit that I sound worse than I feel.

*crawls back into bed*

So Many Changes . . .

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:28:33 GMT

*stares*

I find myself doing that quite a bit - far more than I really should. Just staring off into space, though my mind is going at the speed of light (or sound - whichever is faster) with thoughts of anything and everything . . . but I just can't seem to grasp at anything long enough to keep it in focus.

Every day that passes puts it one day closer to leaving the family home altogether. "Sad" would be an understatement. How else do you say goodbye to a place you've known your entire life? How many people can say that they grew up - from birth through high school (and college, if you want to include that) - in only one house? Dad's made himself a new home in his parents' place. Brother C has his place, complete with fiance and kids.

Moving to Chicago is sitting on the horizon - I see it and I know I need to do it, that I need to leave MN and the surrounding family, but doing so is going to absolutely petrify me. Leaving MN means losing a safety net that I've always kept in the back of my mind - a safety net that I knew I could count on in any "worst case scenario" my mind can come up with.

I need to get back to writing - I have some holiday fic exchanges to do, but I've posted nothing else - I've written very little over the past year. I commented to auberus recently that the writing I've managed to do with her via chats is the most I've done since last year at this time when I was writing for a fic exchange. (She, of course, has plenty of plans in her mind that will get me into a few other fandoms.)

Ugh. I'm just going to stop here.

Irritation aplenty

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:45:20 GMT

It may be Brother C's birthday, but it's not a joyous, happy day for me.

Yes, Dad, dammit, I'm going to cry about things - like the whole situation with the house. Telling me not to cry, that it's not something worth crying about just isn't going to work. I'm packing up my life, putting everything except the barest essentials into boxes that I will not have easy access to. I'm getting rid of things that I'd rather not get rid of.

And Aunt J, while you're moving things out, would you pay attention to what you ARE taking to make sure it's YOURS?! I'm getting tired of having to call you because you took my things. They may be "little items," like an old tupperware pickle container, but they are MINE and I like them. I use them. I need them. (Also, having you and friends storm the place at 6am was not what I wanted to wake up to.)

It's been 3 months since I last worked at the test-scoring place. I got a letter today reprimanding me for reading too fast and having an inconsistent agreement rate, complete with a note that it's going in my personnel file and if it continues, I will be dismissed from the project. Yes, I knew I was a fast reader and I worked with my direct supervisors about it, but I was consistently told by those same people that my agreement rate was fine. So . . . a) this is 3 months late! . . . b) "what the hell!?!" . . . and c) I'm not currently working for them.

*screams*

I've had enough.

Edit: Let's add grocery shopping on the list. Yes, it is my fault for waiting until the evening of the last day that items are on sale, but considering we are talking about food items here . . . how about keeping them in stock?! Half of the items I was considering buying were completely sold out. Customer service told me that the store does not guarantee advertised items to be in stock. Ugh.

Really, now . . . is that much necessary?

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:56:53 GMT

One of the errands I had to do today involved going to a bank that I was unfamiliar with and make a deposit. As this was not my bank or bank account, I had to go into the lobby. My 10-15 minute errand ended up involving 4 different employees, including the teller, all in the name of customer service.

One greeting me at the door as I'm making a beeling for the little table with the blank deposit slips and pens. One talking with me as I stood waiting in a non-existent line (I was the only one) and then directing me to an open teller. One to ask, after I had finished and was prepared to walk out the door, if there was anything else. Each one was a different person.

I wanted to strangle the next one who talked to me.

I'm all for having good customer service - nothing wrong with that. This place, however, was overkill for me - I didn't need to interact with that many people to make a deposit.

Ugh.

Exhaustion . . .

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 02:46:54 GMT

I'm utterly exhausted . . . don't know quite why I'm still wide awake, but I expect I'll sleep well tonight.

Went on another road trip to Chicago . . . we'll see how this one turns out - hopefully, it'll end up being more productive than the last one . . . time's running out on the house and I really would love just to pick up and move, but until I have some assurances that I'll be able to survive . . . well, eventually I'll get there.

I need to be writing . . . I have a couple of fic exchanges to do. The ideas are in my head - I just need to get them out.

My mind is still a scatterred mess . . . I don't even know where to begin to try and piece it together . . . it's probably better that I don't.

*sighs* . . . . *yawns* . . . but tomorrow is Friday - yay!

I really don't want to deal with life right now . . .

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:40:51 GMT

I just realized it's Thursday. The days are sliding together and I'm doing all I can to hang in there.

I have some temporary/"let's try this arrangement and see what happens" housing - since I essentially work from home via being online much of the day and a friend wanted someone at home just to be a companion to his pug (literally - not much else). It's over on the Minneapolis side of the city and I was lucky enough that there was already a bed there.

However, I have a desk that I like. It's an old piece of furniture, not like the stuff available now. It's a solid piece - there's no screws, nuts or bolts to it. So, it doesn't come apart, nor does it have any "bend" or "give" to it. It's the only piece of furniture I want to come with me . . . and trying to move it is giving me a headache.

It won't fit in a car - it has to be moved using a van (full-size/cargo) or a truck. Dad's truck for the business is out of the question - it's truly a scrap truck. One piece of furniture isn't worth renting a U-haul for it, so I thought I'd just try an ad online to see if there would be anyone with a truck willing to help. The responses I received . . . *shudders* . . . "name-calling" was a common theme in them. The experience just reinforced how mean people can be.

Everything else I have that I want with me is stuff that I am able to pack up and move myself . . . the thought recently struck me that, if I really wanted to and forgetting about furniture, I could pack up my clothing and most needed belongings into my car and still have enough room to drive safely. I might even have enough room for a passenger. Isn't that pathetic? While I can say I do value what I have, it does bother me that I have so little.

As it is, I'm looking at the possibility that I might have to get rid of my boxes of fabric for quilting . . . something I really don't want to do. This desk may follow in that direction . . . ugh. I hate this whole foreclosure-thing.

I really do not need this . . .

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 01:21:34 GMT

My car broke down on me . . . and I'm not at home where Dad can deal with it.

Tomorrow, my bank account takes a hit to get it fixed . . . . *sobs* . . .

Just when I was thinking how great things were going . . . I get knocked back like this.

*screams*

Well . . . moving on . . . I'll go cry myself to sleep, along with giving myself a nice headache for the stress.

The "to do" list . . .

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:36:13 GMT

. . . always seems to grow faster than I can do anything about it. Taking off one thing gets it replaced by two others.

*sighs* . . . such is life.

My mind is a scattered mess - bits and pieces everywhere. Trying to pull those pieces back together . . . not working too well.

I hate feeling like this - like I can't quite get a grip on things - but I'll manage.

I don't understand

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:29:17 GMT

I'm stressed out enough as it is - stress that is my own creation, though - but it doesn't help any when people are trying to merge or change lanes INTO you while doing highway/freeway speeds. Does anyone actually check their blind spot anymore? Actually take a glance over their shoulder to make sure it's safe to change lanes (so then you can floor the accelator and get around the "slow" person who's only 5 under the limit)?

And dear Aunt J . . . the cat is still at the house - why? It's all alone at the house, as I'm barely there while trying to get myself situated elsewhere . . . and when I am there, it's biting my toes and wrapping itself around my ankles, which hurts and makes me trip and fall . . . I've had enough!

And why can't people READ the words I so painstakingly write? If they would do that - and then take the time to comprehend them - it would save me a few headaches.

*sighs* . . . until next time.

Ranting

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 01:54:56 GMT

As some of you have heard from me, I caught an ear infection and visted the urgent care docs just to have them poke their little scope in my ear and confirm that I was right. As someone who suffered (though they always are without pain) through TNTC (too numerous to count) ones as a child, I'm more than happy that it's been over a year (if not over 2 years) since I last had one. However, being an infection means it needs antibiotics to get rid of it.

Okay. Fine. I don't have prescription drug coverage - not even those "free" programs - because I'm so rarely sick and none that I looked at was able to cover the birth control - that's a whole separate saga. So, meds are a bit on the costly side for me and not something in my monthly budgeting.

The doctor electronically sent the prescription for ear drops in to the pharmacy yesterday morning. I called yesterday evening, identified myself and specifically stated I needed to know how much the prescription was going to cost. I was told a price on the specific medication in question. Today, I go to pick it up and I'm charged $60 more than what I was previously told - and that's even after the pharmacy gave me some sort of discount because they enrolled me in some program.

To say I was unhappy would be to put it mildly. I know . . . "it's only $60," but I'm touchy on things involving money - having been so close to an absolute zero balance has made me quite financially-conscious. Call me being nit-picky, that's fine - I wouldn't have had an issue if the difference was $5-$10, but $60 . . . that irked me.

Of course, the person I spoke to yesterday isn't working today - they're not going to be back until Tuesday - and the 3-person staff on duty there is not the "regular" staff, so they don't know where he got the price I was quoted. And the pharmacy manager won't be in until Thursday. The assistant manager is clueless because this isn't his department. I wanted to bang my head against a brick wall.

Half an hour later, the conclusion is that the pharmacy did their job - they filled the prescription and they figured out that I was give the price based on the prescription as it was written, not as it was filled. The higher price that I paid was because the doctor's order/prescription was for a generic that does not exist and in a quantity/amount that does not exist - they had done their job . . . it was the doctor that screwed up.

Yeah. Great. Doesn't help me a bit. It's still the mistake of someone else, but I'm the one who pays for it - literally.

*fumes in silence*

Music to Laugh to?

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:25:51 GMT

So . . . I'm working on a collection of songs/CD's for someone and they're a fan of country music. That's fine by me - I really don't have a particular music preference - but after a few solid days of nothing but country, I need a break - even though it's not country, the old song "I'm Going Bananas" from Madonna is very apropos at the moment.

Do you have any songs that just always make you smile and laugh when you hear them? What are they?

I'm just curious . . . I've always liked such a wide variety of music and find it interesting to see what others have in their music collection.

Personally, not only that Madonna song I mentioned works, but also the song "Trashing the Camp" from Disney's Tarzan - the one from the movie, not the acapella version on the CD (though that's nice, too); a song from an IMAX movie on dolphins that was done by Sting and is titled "I Need You Like I Need This Hole In My Head" - I just love that title; "Hakuna Matata" from Disney's Lion King - yes, I have a thing with Disney movies, I fully admit to it.

In Remembrance

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:50:47 GMT

Hi, Mom,

I’m staring at this blank screen, trying to organize the thoughts in my mind – something I’ve been trying to do for quite a while now, actually. Four years have passed . . . part of me can’t believe that much time has passed as quickly as it has . . . part of me wishes it hadn’t passed at all.

You have a granddaughter, Mom – I think that’s the biggest excitement of the past year. Brother C has a little girl, one who shares the same middle name as you. She’s going to be “Daddy’s little girl” – he’s already begun the sports indoctrination. Dad is a proud grandpa, though I don’t think he’ll actually say that. Yes, I will spoil her, too – I claimed spoilage rights not only as the aunt that I am, but also in your place. So, yes, I will be shopping for three personalized/dated Christmas ornaments this year.

The house . . . that family home is leaving. As much as I knew it would happen eventually, I’m still saddened that it will happen. There is so much wrapped up in memories in that place . . . it’s the only home I had while growing up – not many people can say that about themselves! It’s always been there, like you and Dad have been, as my place to come back to. Life will be so different without it.

There’s so much ahead of me . . . new opportunities . . . new ideas . . . new people to meet . . . at times, it’s overwhelming to me. Other times, it’s exciting. A part of me still misses teaching – I think I always will. The past year has been a giant learning experience – I’ve dove head first into areas of business I’ve never thought about before. I’ve had plenty of times where I felt as if I was fumbling in the dark trying to grasp something. I’ve been stressed, stretched and challenged along the way and I know there’s more coming. I’ll be ready for it.

I am definitely moving – not just because of the house, but because of the opportunities elsewhere. I’ve moved before, so the process of it doesn’t scare me, but moving away – putting the physical distance in there – that does scare me. It’s a conundrum of its own: I want the physical distance, as I’m tired of being nearby to everyone, but that distance will also separate me – truly put me on my own.

Thoughts of you still cross my mind, as I know they always will. There’s still times of tears when I think of you, but there are also so many joyful memories as well. I know you continue to watch over me as well as many others – I hope what you see still makes you smile and makes you proud of your daughter.

I love you, Mom. Always.

Click here for the 2008 letter

Friday Night

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 02:22:35 GMT

It's Friday night . . .

I'm fighting a headache of my own creation . . . the kind brought on by stress and worry . . .

My allergies aren't helping any, since the ragweed is so high - I don't think last night's burst of rain helped any . . .

I'm frustrated with things in general, even though I can say that I'm doing what I can . . . but it doesn't feel like it . . .

I can't even organize the thoughts in my head at the moment - they're bouncing around so fast.

*sighs*

I just want to crawl under the blankets and not come out.